“What a beauty!” he shouts with eyes glued to the TV screen. Before you go thinking your latest beauty regimen has worked already, alas your man is not talking about you. His team has just scored a goal in the 2014 FIFA world cup.
You see, your bra size is not the only cup he cares about. To avoid getting all hot under the collar and then left out in the cold, it’s worth your while to get the lowdown on all things soccer. According to some guys, a chick who understands the “beautiful game” gets extra cred. So, welcome to the abc’s – of soccer – not cups. Here’s the beginner-girl’s guide to the what’s currently happening in Brazil.
Basically the world’s attention is on a bunch of men running after a ball for 90 minutes. It doesn’t make much sense, does it? But there is more to soccer than what meets the eye (yes, that includes Ronaldo).
Despite the hotties running around on the field (thank God for that, else we would really be bored) good looks don’t get your country to the World Cup trophy. Each continent has World Cup qualifiers. Only 32 teams get to the World Cup. They are then placed into a draw to be put into eight groups. The host nation has to be in group A as they have to play the opening match.
And then…
-There are four teams in each group who play matches according to ‘fixtures’ i.e. the schedule
-The teams play each other once
-Points will then be allocated according to the outcome of the game. A win gets the team three points, a draw only one point and a loss, well, no points
-The top two teams from each group go to the knockout stages. Just to recap, that’s 16 teams who play each other according to a predetermined chart. As you can tell by the name, if you lose here, your journey at the WC ends
-For the remaining teams, there is the quarter final (eight teams) the semi final (four teams) and the final (two teams obviously). There is also a runners up final which determines third and fourth places.
The winning team needs to score the most goals. It’s like 11 females out shopping at a YDE R90 sale. The only difference is there are rules in soccer which players need to abide to. That’s when things get a bit tricky. Many things can cause fouls in a soccer match. For example, a hand ball. If you don’t know what that is, don’t stress, some of the terms below should help you. You may not be a soccer expert but maybe you can fake being a novice.
Glossary of terms
Foul: a light caution
Hand ball: When you intentionally touch the ball with your hands
Ball to hand: The unintentional version of ‘hand ball’
Bend it like Beckham: Famous term describing the kicking of the ball in such a way that the ball curves in direction. David Beckham is the one who set the benchmark for this technique.
Throw in: When the ball is kicked outside the sideline boundaries, it is then thrown back in
Eighteen Area: This is the bigger box outside the goal post indicated with white lines
Penalty: A penalty kick is awarded when a foul happens inside the 18 Area
Yellow Card: Severe warning. This is similar to when your man slightly glances at other women, you give him a warning.
Red card: Stop play. It’s off to the shower for you. Basically your man has looked at the other woman again and to make matters worse he’s asked for her number too. The cheek!
Two yellow cards: This equals a red card
Now for the most difficult one, The Offside rule.
If you have heard this term before, and are still confused about it, resist the urge to click the ‘x’ at the top of this web page.
Offside is when a team receives the ball behind the last line of defence on the opposing sides half of the field. If the ball is passed while player (A) is behind the defence (player B) then even if A moves in front B it will still be offside. In our terms, ladies, it’s cheating. Whatever is done behind your back is a no-go. Get it?
The World cup means that your man will be unavailable a lot and with the time difference your late night Whatsapp chats are out the window. “Pass the ball you idiot” and “bloody hell, Mr ref, are pretty much the only things you’ll hear for over an hour. You can try to get his attention but if all else fails, wear a soccer jersey (men dig that I hear), excuse him for the entire world cup and yell ‘offside!’ whenever he does.
images: supersport.com, sportsmemes.net, memescenter.com, picndqoutes.com
