Let’s not lie, more often than not, love hurts. It’s how you get over the hurt that determines whether you’ll eventually win
at this love thing or you’ll fail dismally until the day you die. Having had what I consider my first real romantic heartbreak recently, I will give you 5 surefire ways to get over the pain.
Get motherlessly drunk
Drinking when having fun is normal but drinking when you’re heartbroken is even better because
- a) you realise what an idiot your ex is and
- b) you can pass out and not fret about whether they’re thinking of you.
The danger with this though is that one gets an incessant urge to drunk text or call the source of one’s misery. If you’re going to get hammered, have a friend hide your phone. Nothing is more pitiful than a heartbroken drunk texter.
Get laid
The best way to get over a person is to get under another, no? Before you take a rebound, ask yourself the following questions:
• Is the person hotter than the heartbreaker?
• Is the person disposable? the last thing you need is a clinger on
• Does the person know who Daenerys Targaryen is?
If the answer is yes to two or more of these questions, then bed the potential rebound. I’m talking 50 Shades of Grey sex. Surprise them and yourself. Get tons of condoms and consider an aftersex selfie for instagram. They’re an actual thing.
Avoid Indie Music!!!!!!!!!
The devil dwelleth in alternative music. seriously. Listening to indie songs when you’re heartbroken is like drinking on an empty stomach. It almost always backfires. Indie songs build unrealistic notions of love and if you’re a gullible moron, you’ll believe these. You’ll want to run back to the arms of your former lover but realise that they don’t want you back. So don’t believe Florence Welch when she tells you that you’ve got the love. Rather get hurricane drunk with her.
Eat and be merry
In this age of obesity and banting, people underestimate the power of good junk food. Eat until your heart feels less like it’s breaking and more like it’s going into cardiac arrest. My recommendation? bacon, runny eggs, chutney, black pepper and mayonnaise on brown bread with a generous side of home-made chips. Goes well with a beer or just a regular fizzy drink. Also, stock up on Doritos. Doritos were made for heartbreaks.
Forgive but under no circumstances, forget
Forgiveness is necessary because more often than not, it helps you move on with your life. You should forgive yourself and the heartbreaker. Most of the time, people don’t mean to be complete morons. These things just happen sometimes and unfortunately, there’s always a victim. Forgive but never forget. what happens when you forget is that people will take advantage. You don’t want to be that guy or girl who is forever single because you let people take advantage. Take comfort in the fact that your ex’s next could never be as entertaining and (hopefully) sarcastic as you are on a normal day.
Look, different strokes for different folks (pun totally intended). These tips might work or they might not. You owe it to yourself to move on with your life. Never stop loving because the moron who hurt you will probably just move on effortlessly. To quote Heidi Klum: “I’ve been heartbroken. I’ve broken hearts. That’s part of life, and its part of figuring out who you are so you can find the right partner” See? Even Heidi Klum’s been an idiot once.
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